On 9/17/26 15:51, Tony Nance wrote:
On 9/17/26 5:51 PM, Ted Nolan <tednolan> wrote:
In article <118hele$fvq4$1@dont-email.me>,
Tony Nance˙ <tnusenet17@gmail.com> wrote:
On 9/17/26 7:57 AM, James Nicoll wrote:
A Song For Nero by Thomas Holt
The zany adventures of a con man and his pal, the (former) Emperor
Nero.
https://jamesdavisnicoll.com/review/gentlemen-of-the-road
Re: ? I didn?t much enjoy this novel but it did make me want to poke
through my old de Camps to see if it was de Camp who made the case that
Nero was a˙crap emperor who might have made a˙decent civil engineer.
I˙think it was de Camp. ?
He does say something like this in The Ancient Engineers. And if your
edition is Ballantine, and has a cover like this one
https://www.isfdb.org/wiki/images/9/98/THNCNTNGNR1974.jpg
this idea might well be expressed on p.236.
Tony
My preferred take:
˙˙˙˙NERO
˙˙˙˙NERO WAS the son of Agrippina the Younger and Cnaeus Domitius
˙˙˙˙Ahenobarbus, combining the worst features of each. His
˙˙˙˙father was fond of running down little children with his
˙˙˙˙chariot and gouging out people's eyes, and there were rumors
˙˙˙˙I'd rather not mention.1 Agrippina was a sister of Caligula.
˙˙˙˙You don't get over a thing like that.2 Nero was born at
˙˙˙˙Antium on December 15, A.D. 37. He was named Lucius Domitius
˙˙˙˙Ahenobarbus, so he is known as Nero Claudius Caesar Drusus
˙˙˙˙Germanicus. Any relationship to Germanicus opened all doors
˙˙˙˙at this period. Nowadays it wouldn't get you a thing.3
˙˙˙˙In some respects Nero was ahead of his time. He boiled his
˙˙˙˙drinking water to remove the impurities and cooled it with
˙˙˙˙unsanitary ice to put them back again. He renamed the month
˙˙˙˙of April after himself, calling it Neroneus, but the idea
˙˙˙˙never caught on because April is not Neroneus and there is
˙˙˙˙no use pretending that it is. During his reign of fourteen
˙˙˙˙years, the outlying provinces are said to have prospered.
˙˙˙˙They were farther away.
˙˙˙˙Since Nero's character leaves much to be desired, we are
˙˙˙˙apt to forget his good side. We should try to remember that
˙˙˙˙he did not murder his mother until he was twenty-one years
˙˙˙˙old. Besides, he only did it to please his sweetheart,
˙˙˙˙Poppaea Sabina, whom he later married and kicked to death
˙˙˙˙while she was with child.4 It was her own fault, in a way,
˙˙˙˙as she nagged him for coming home late from the races.
˙˙˙˙Octavia, Nero's first wife, a daughter of the Emperor
˙˙˙˙Claudius, was not quite satisfactory. She was the kind that
˙˙˙˙bears a grudge. She disliked Nero for poisoning her young
˙˙˙˙brother Britannicus. He would have died anyhow, sooner or
˙˙˙˙later, but Octavia tried to make something out of it. Nero
˙˙˙˙banished her, then had her smothered in a steam bath and
˙˙˙˙married Poppaea, for love will find a way.
˙˙˙˙His next wife was Statilia Messalina, who was not the
˙˙˙˙Messalina you're thinking of. That was Valeria Messalina,
˙˙˙˙Nero's cousin and the third wife of the Emperor Claudius.
˙˙˙˙She was the worst woman in Rome and she just loved being
˙˙˙˙it. She was so wicked that she hated well-behaved people
˙˙˙˙on principle. She said they made her tired.5 Statilia was
˙˙˙˙not nearly so intelligent as Valeria. She took to brooding
˙˙˙˙after a while. She had been married four times, but nothing
˙˙˙˙like this.
˙˙˙˙Mentally, Nero was fair to middling. He could speak Latin
˙˙˙˙fluently. His tutor, Lucius Annaeus Seneca, was a Stoic,
˙˙˙˙or humbug. Seneca taught the vanity of worldly wealth and
˙˙˙˙was immensely rich. When it was suggested that he stop
˙˙˙˙lending money at ruinous rates if he felt that way about
˙˙˙˙it, he said it would be against all the tenets of the Stoic
˙˙˙˙philosophy and beneath him as a member in good standing to
˙˙˙˙give that much attention to so indifferent a subject when
˙˙˙˙his mind should be on higher things. This established his
˙˙˙˙reputation as a thinker.6
˙˙˙˙Nero finally had enough of Seneca's thoughts and told him
˙˙˙˙to go and drop dead, which he did. He gave the same order
˙˙˙˙to a senator named P. Clodius Paetas Thrasea just for looking
˙˙˙˙like a thinker. Senator P. Clodius Thrasea hadn't a thought
˙˙˙˙in his whole system, but he gave that impression somehow,
˙˙˙˙at least when he wasn't talking.
˙˙˙˙Agrippina was a wonderful mother to Nero, except that she
˙˙˙˙was inclined to be bossy. A matron of the old school, she
˙˙˙˙was head of the reform party in Rome and in charge of its
˙˙˙˙murders as well as her own private ones.7 She did not murder
˙˙˙˙her first husband, the father of Nero. She only drove him
˙˙˙˙to drink. Her second, Crispus Passienus, died suddenly after
˙˙˙˙making a will in her favor, and she is often accused of
˙˙˙˙feeding mushrooms poisoned with arsenic to her third, the
˙˙˙˙Emperor Claudius, so that Nero could succeed him, the quicker
˙˙˙˙the better. Let's not be too sure of this. It is possible
˙˙˙˙that the Emperor's basal metabolism was all out of whack
˙˙˙˙and that the symptoms were confused with those of arsenic.
˙˙˙˙Or Claudius may have tampered with his own food in one of
˙˙˙˙his vague states.
˙˙˙˙Claudius was an old fellow who had been found hiding behind
˙˙˙˙a curtain after the death of Caligula and made Emperor by
˙˙˙˙mistake.8 Caligula once threw him into the river to get rid
˙˙˙˙of him and somebody fished him out.9 Since that time he had
˙˙˙˙been subject to nervous twitchings.10 Most people regarded
˙˙˙˙Claudius as feeble-minded because he wrote a mildly
˙˙˙˙uninteresting collection of historical sketches and tried
˙˙˙˙to be funny in company. He was interested only in the past.
˙˙˙˙When his friends asked him, as they constantly did, why he
˙˙˙˙didn't write about current events, he would start twitching
˙˙˙˙again. None of his four marriages turned out very well. He
˙˙˙˙was always reading a book.11
Claudius stammered as well. You would too if you had a load of murderers all around you. Some of his eccentric behavior was merely to
protect himself and most likely he never aspired to the Purple. He
merely like so many of us wanted to read in peace.
˙˙˙˙Yet Claudius accomplished some sound constructive work. He
˙˙˙˙built the Via Claudia, a splendid road leading to the Danube
˙˙˙˙Valley, over which the barbarians later traveled to conquer
˙˙˙˙Italy. He also invented three new letters, one representing
˙˙˙˙the consonant u as distinguished from the vowel u, one for
˙˙˙˙a sound between i and u, and one for bs or ps. They had to
˙˙˙˙be dropped, as nobody could pronounce them.12
˙˙˙˙Agrippina had long been a problem to Nero, always interfering
˙˙˙˙as she did and quarreling about who should be murdered and
˙˙˙˙who shouldn't. Since he owed her everything for murdering
˙˙˙˙Claudius, he had hoped to kill her as gently as possible.
˙˙˙˙He did not want her to suffer, and he went to some lengths
˙˙˙˙to prevent it. He gave her quick poison three times without
˙˙˙˙result, then he fixed the ceiling of her bedroom so it would
˙˙˙˙fall and crush her as she slept. Of course that didn't work.
˙˙˙˙It never does. Either the ceiling doesn't fall or the victim
˙˙˙˙sleeps on the sofa that night.
˙˙˙˙Next, he attempted to drown her by means of a boat with a
˙˙˙˙collapsible bottom, but the vessel sank too slowly and she
˙˙˙˙swam away like a mink. Nero then lost his head completely,
˙˙˙˙as who wouldn't, and told his freedman, Anicetus, to try
˙˙˙˙anything. Anicetus, a rude but sensible fellow, went and
˙˙˙˙got a club and beat her to death. Maybe the Cave Men knew
˙˙˙˙best.
˙˙˙˙We cannot be sure how many others Nero murdered, since some
˙˙˙˙of the stories are probably mere gossip. You know how it
˙˙˙˙is. Once you kill a few people, you get a bad name. You're
˙˙˙˙blamed for every corpse that turns up for miles around and
˙˙˙˙anything else that goes wrong.
˙˙˙˙Take the great fire that destroyed most of Rome in A.D. 64.
˙˙˙˙They say he started it. Be that as it may, he did not fiddle
˙˙˙˙during the conflagration, for the violin had not yet been
˙˙˙˙invented. He played the lyre and sang of the Fall of Troy.
˙˙˙˙What's so awful about that? Of course he shouldn't have
˙˙˙˙tortured so many Christians to prove that they did it. A
˙˙˙˙few would have been plenty.13
˙˙˙˙Anyhow, he rebuilt the city on a more modern plan. The chief
˙˙˙˙improvement was his Golden House, as he called it, an
˙˙˙˙imperial residence a mile long, equipped with a revolving
˙˙˙˙banquet hall, walls of gold and jewels, machines for squirting
˙˙˙˙perfume in all directions, a duplex apartment for his pet
˙˙˙˙ape, and a statue of himself 120 feet high. When he moved
˙˙˙˙in, he said that at least he was beginning to live like a
˙˙˙˙human being. I have been unable to think of an adequate
˙˙˙˙comeback to that remark. You try it.
˙˙˙˙Nero's singing has occasioned unfavorable comment, quite
˙˙˙˙aside from the fire episode. He sang and sang, in private
˙˙˙˙and in public, accompanied by his lyre, five thousand
˙˙˙˙applauders chosen for their endurance, and a regiment of
˙˙˙˙soldiers with drawn swords. He would step to the front of
˙˙˙˙the stage with his personal bodyguard and ask his audience
˙˙˙˙if they had ever heard a better singer. They always said
˙˙˙˙no, they hadn't.14 If you have been wondering why Nero sang,
˙˙˙˙the answer is clear enough. People sing because they think
˙˙˙˙they can sing.15
˙˙˙˙He made his professional debut at Naples five years after
˙˙˙˙the death of his mother. She was spared that, at least. The
˙˙˙˙theatre was shaken by an earthquake during the show and
˙˙˙˙collapsed after the final selection. Nero got away. Lightning
˙˙˙˙frequently struck near the scene of his concerts. It missed
˙˙˙˙him.
˙˙˙˙He also went to Greece and sang for a year and a half, after
˙˙˙˙which he returned to Italy and sang. Forty-one citizens
˙˙˙˙conspired to slaughter him, but something went wrong.16
˙˙˙˙Then he announced a recital at which he would play the pipe
˙˙˙˙organ, the flute, and the bagpipes and sing a tragedy set
˙˙˙˙to music by himself. The legions rose in Gaul and the Senate
˙˙˙˙declared him a public enemy. As the troops advanced on Rome,
˙˙˙˙Nero proposed to go and meet them and win their hearts by
˙˙˙˙singing a few songs. Somebody had to explain. Assisted by
˙˙˙˙Epaphroditus, his private secretary, he cut his throat on
˙˙˙˙June 9, A.D. 68, the anniversary of his first wife's murder.
˙˙˙˙Well, we're none of us perfect.
˙˙˙˙1 The Ahenobarbi, or Bronzebeards, all had red beards because
˙˙˙˙the black beard of Lucius Domitius Ahenobarbus, founder of
˙˙˙˙the family, had been changed to red by Castor and Pollux,
˙˙˙˙I forget why.
˙˙˙˙2 Suetonius states that when Tiberius, Agrippina's uncle,
˙˙˙˙was in exile and looking for favorable omens, "as he was
˙˙˙˙changing his clothes, his tunic appeared to be all on fire."
˙˙˙˙It probably was on fire.
˙˙˙˙3 By the way, just who was Germanicus?
A famous Roman General in the reign of Tiberius or his
son. He was given the title after victories in Germany and
his son received it after his death...
<
https://roman-empire.net ? people ? germanicus>
˙˙˙˙4 Poppaea Sabina was the daughter of Poppaea Sabina, who
˙˙˙˙was the daughter of C. Poppaeus Sabinus.
˙˙˙˙5 Claudius finally had her killed, but not until she'd had
˙˙˙˙an awfully good time. If you don't know the details of her
˙˙˙˙career, you're just as well off.
Still curious despite the deserved warning read "I, Claudius" by
Robert Graves, the basis for the PBS version. Famous last words as he
realized he was dying,"I am becoming a god". Ave Claudius, Imperator!
˙˙˙˙6 When Seneca was exiled for a time under the Lex de
˙˙˙˙adulteriis, he said nothing at all. There was nothing to
˙˙˙˙say.
˙˙˙˙7 Agrippina had two canine teeth on the right side of her
˙˙˙˙mouth. This was always good for a laugh in some circles.
˙˙˙˙8 His only friend was a little white poodle.
It may have been a little white dog but poodle were still in Germany. <
https://iheartdogs.com/the-history-and-origin-of-the-poodle-a-comprehensive-look/>
˙˙˙˙9 He was the brother of Germanicus.
˙˙˙˙10 Claudius had been neglected as a child. His mother,
˙˙˙˙Antonia, refused to remarry after the death of Drusus,
˙˙˙˙devoting herself entirely to a pet lamprey which may have
˙˙˙˙reminded her of the deceased.
˙˙˙˙11 Claudius' son Drusus by Plautia Urgulanillo was choked
˙˙˙˙to death while tossing up pears and catching them in his
˙˙˙˙mouth.
I blame lead used to stopper wine bottles for the strange behavior of Roman aristocrats.
˙˙˙˙12 Ferrero holds that certain parts of his mind were highly
˙˙˙˙developed. He doesn't say which parts.
Roman and wine again...>>
˙˙˙˙13 It is generally thought that no Christians were thrown
˙˙˙˙to the lions until the reign of Marcus Aurelius Antoninus,
˙˙˙˙whose Meditations you ought to read. Great stuff.
˙˙˙˙14 Nero's voice was thin and weak. Had it possessed more
˙˙˙˙volume, it would have been worse.
˙˙˙˙15 At the age of twelve Nero had shown a lively interest
˙˙˙˙in the arts, particularly music, painting, sculpture, and
˙˙˙˙poetry. Why was nothing done about this?
˙˙˙˙16 I don't mind singers so much, if only they wouldn't
˙˙˙˙practice.
Oh my - that is delightful. Thank you.
I did some searching...Is this from Will Cuppy's The Decline And Fall Of Practically Everybody?
Tony
Cuppy was clever and did well afaik from his work.
bliss
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