SGT. NIMROD
I was working in Army security when a VIP from another base called to ask to whom he should address an important letter. Knowing my tough-to-spell last name would give him fits, I said, "Just put down Sergeant Gary, as my last name is too hard." The next day, I received a letter addressed to Sgt. Gary Toohard. G. C., via mail

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WHAT REALLY MATTERS
Going over our weekly training schedule one morning at our small Army garrison, we noticed that our annual trip to the rifle range had been
canceled for the second time, but that our semi-annual physical-fitness test was still on as planned. "Does it bother anyone else," one soldier asked, "that the Army doesn't seem concerned with how well we can shoot, yet is extremely interested in how fast we can run?"

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Jay,

SGT. NIMROD
I was working in Army security when a VIP from another base called to
ask to whom he should address an important letter. Knowing my tough-to-spell last name would give him fits, I said, "Just put down Sergeant Gary, as my last name is too hard." The next day, I received a letter addressed to Sgt. Gary Toohard. G. C., via mail

Maybe he needs to lay off the Viagra. <G>

Daryl

... At a nudist wedding, you can always tell who the best man is.
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PAPA BEAR
My husband's cousin married a former Marine who now works for United Parcel Service. They bought their four-year-old son two stuffed bears -- one in a
UPS uniform and the other in Marine garb. When the boy seemed confused, his father brought out a picture of himself in full Marine dress. "See, Connor?" he explained, pointing to the photo and then to the bear. "That's Daddy." Connor's eyes went from one to the other, and then he asked in a puzzled voice, "You used to be a bear?" Submitted by Robin Yedlock

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STANDING VIOLATION
Sign above the toilet in a women's latrine at Camp Ripley in Minnesota: "If you are reading this sign while using this latrine, you are in the wrong
one." Mike Lins, Savage, Minnesota

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UNCLEAN
Soon after being transferred to a new duty station, my Marine husband called home one evening to tell me he would be late. "Dirty magazines were
discovered in the platoon quarters," he said, "and the whole squad is being disciplined."
I launched into a tirade, arguing that Marines should not be penalized for something so trivial.
My husband interrupted. "Honey, when I said 'dirty magazines,' I meant the clips from their rifles hadn't been cleaned."

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Jay,

STANDING VIOLATION
Sign above the toilet in a women's latrine at Camp Ripley in Minnesota: "If you are reading this sign while using this latrine, you are in the wrong one." Mike Lins, Savage, Minnesota

There is a restaurant in Peninsula, Ohio called "The Winking Lizard",
where in the restrooms (at least in the men's room), there are framed
sections of today's newspaper...whether you stand or sit. :P I guess
they have them in the women's restroom as well.

I think of "The Far Side" cartoon, where the guy is coming out of the restroom...and the alarm is sounding, lights are flashing, and the sign
screams out "DIDN'T WASH HANDS!!". <G>

The guy who was the best man at my wedding (who passed away 5 months
after my wife died), did some "crazy cartoons"...one showed a woman in
front of the male urinal (standing up). I'm not sure how she was voiding,
or if she had a gender identity issue (I never thought I'd see the day
for that).

He did a few other cartoons, as follows:

1) At the zoo, walking past the elephant pen, is a rather heavy set
female, with a huge buttocks (in the "cheeks"). One of the pachyderms
turns to the other one, and says "Reminds me of my first wife".

2) The real cause of forest fires: Smokey The Bear is lighting the
leaves!!

3) The center of the football team has a concerned look on his face,
as the quarterback comes up right behind him!!

There is another one, but it escapes me right now.

Daryl

... Classical Gas: A Mozart Fart.
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Jay,

My husband interrupted. "Honey, when I said 'dirty magazines,' I meant
the clips from their rifles hadn't been cleaned."

That shot the meaning of that right out of the water!!

Daryl

... Coffee is vital for survival. The dinosaurs didn't have it, and died out. === MultiMail/Win v0.52
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BAND OR OFFICER
While serving as chief medical officer at Fort Ritchie in Maryland, I
attended a nearby wedding. Since it was a formal affair at a country club, I went in my officer's dress blue uniform. Once at the club, I drove up to the entrance, where the doorman promptly came to the passenger door and assisted my wife out of the car. He then made his way to my side. But before I could get out, he pointed to the other end of the building and said, "The band entrance is that way." --Gordon Van Otteren

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DOING WHAT YOU ARE TOLD
The colonel who served as inspector general in our command paid particular attention to how personnel wore their uniforms. On one occasion he spotted a junior airman with a violation. "Airman," he bellowed, "what do you do when a shirt pocket is unbuttoned?"
The startled airman replied, "Button it, sir!"
The colonel looked him in the eye and said, "Well?"
At that, the airman nervously reached over and buttoned the colonel's shirt pocket.

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WHAT REALLY MATTERS
Going over our weekly training schedule one morning at our small Army garrison, we noticed that our annual trip to the rifle range had been
canceled for the second time, but that our semi-annual physical-fitness test was still on as planned. "Does it bother anyone else," one soldier asked, "that the Army doesn't seem concerned with how well we can shoot, yet is extremely interested in how fast we can run?"

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NO SMOKING
I was in our local VA hospital when a clerk began scolding a veteran who'd
lit up a cigarette in a no-smoking area. "Sir!" she barked. "When did you start smoking?"

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NO-SENSE SENSOR
A military base commander called to complain that the weather-forecasting software our company created for them kept reporting unexplainable wind shifts. "Do you know where the sensor is located?" my coworker asked. "Of course," he responded. "It's where we park the helicopters." Angelo Giordano, Bellevue, Nebraska

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NO-SENSE SENSOR
A military base commander called to complain that the weather-forecasting software our company created for them kept reporting unexplainable wind shifts. "Do you know where the sensor is located?" my coworker asked. "Of course," he responded. "It's where we park the helicopters." Angelo Giordano, Bellevue, Nebraska

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Jay,

NO-SENSE SENSOR
A military base commander called to complain that the
weather-forecasting software our company created for them kept
reporting unexplainable wind shifts. "Do you know where the sensor is located?" my coworker asked. "Of course," he responded. "It's where we park the helicopters." Angelo Giordano, Bellevue, Nebraska

That'll do it!!

Daryl

... Is it OK to yell "theatre" in a crowded fire station??
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SGT. NIMROD
I was working in Army security when a VIP from another base called to ask to whom he should address an important letter. Knowing my tough-to-spell last name would give him fits, I said, "Just put down Sergeant Gary, as my last name is too hard." The next day, I received a letter addressed to Sgt. Gary Toohard. G. C., via mail

That's like the new sergeant, reading from the roll call list his corporal had given him; he was going through, one by one, getting the chorus of "Here, Sir." as expected, one at a time, until he got tot he last name on the page, & he repeated "Sibak?" getting angrier & angrier that one of his privates should not have showed up.

Finally his corporal came up to him, flipped the page for him, & the sarge was able to finish roll call with hardly a titter in front of him. (they weren't stupid, these new grunts)

Bonus topical punny because I can:

Drill Sergeant: I didnÆt see you at the camouflage drill today Soldier: Sir! Thank You, Sir!

--- BBBS/Li6 v4.10 Toy-6
* Origin: The Rusty MailBox - Penticton, BC Canada (1:153/757)

WHAT REALLY MATTERS
Going over our weekly training schedule one morning at our small Army garrison, we noticed that our annual trip to the rifle range had been canceled for the second time, but that our semi-annual physical-fitness test was still on as planned. "Does it bother anyone else," one soldier asked, "that the Army doesn't seem concerned with how well we can shoot, yet is extremely interested in how fast we can run?"

It's not "retreating," it's advancing after a company About Face!

--- BBBS/Li6 v4.10 Toy-6
* Origin: The Rusty MailBox - Penticton, BC Canada (1:153/757)

UNCLEAN
Soon after being transferred to a new duty station, my Marine husband called home one evening to tell me he would be late. "Dirty magazines were discovered in the platoon quarters," he said, "and the whole squad is being disciplined."

Hopefully the magazines weren't S&M, B&D themed!)

Playboy are coming out with a new magazine, especially for married men. Every month it's exactly the same woman.

old news item:
A group of monks started a business outside the playboy mansion.

They opened up a stand selling flowers, but Heff called the 5-0 and got them shut down. They said they would've gotten away with it anywhere else.. But I guess only Hugh can stop florist friars.




--- BBBS/Li6 v4.10 Toy-6
* Origin: The Rusty MailBox - Penticton, BC Canada (1:153/757)

George,

Hopefully the magazines weren't S&M, B&D themed!)

I prefer M&M themed...and the plain, not with the peanuts. :P
That would be my main candy nowadays, but caffeine in the chocolate
can elevate one's heart rate.

A fellow ham radio operator out in Big Spring, Texas, always does
a holiday lights setup at various times of the year. With Halloween,
it's a "safe haven" for kids to come and trick-or-treat. He said he
had over 200 pounds of candy to give out.

To me, that's a pimple proliferation, sugar rush, and caffeine
high!!

Playboy are coming out with a new magazine, especially for married men. Every month it's exactly the same woman.

There is a topic in advertising called "Subliminal Seduction"...and a
book by the same name that I read in college over 40 years ago (and I
still have that book). It basically showed how you can be sexually
aroused by an ad picture, especially with ads for alcoholic beverages.
The point was illustrated by the following:

Q: What's the sexiest thing in Playboy magazine??
A: Clue. Forget about the centerfold.

They opened up a stand selling flowers, but Heff called the 5-0 and got them shut down. They said they would've gotten away with it anywhere else.. But I guess only Hugh can stop florist friars.

I've heard several variations of that one.

Daryl

... When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
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Drill Sergeant: I didnÆt see you at the camouflage drill today Soldier: Sir! Thank You, Sir!

If I EVER called my Sgt "sir" I got a SERIOUS ass chewing. Only Officers are called sir. Non-coms are addressed by their rank, because THEY work for a living. :)

--- Mystic BBS v1.12 A47 2021/09/29 (Windows/64)
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it's a "safe haven" for kids to come and trick-or-treat. He said he
had over 200 pounds of candy to give out.
To me, that's a pimple proliferation, sugar rush, and caffeine
high!!

& it teaches the kids (& parents thereof) that begging for freebies is okay, even if you can easily go out & buy your own.

Playboy are coming out with a new magazine, especially for married men.
Every month it's exactly the same woman.

There is a topic in advertising called "Subliminal Seduction"...and a
book by the same name that I read in college over 40 years ago (and I
still have that book). It basically showed how you can be sexually
aroused by an ad picture, especially with ads for alcoholic beverages.
The point was illustrated by the following:
Q: What's the sexiest thing in Playboy magazine??
A: Clue. Forget about the centerfold.

I give up, what is the sexirest thing in Playboy magazine. I'd answer, it depends on which issue it is. . . I prefered Hustler over Playboy back in my teens. Outgrew them all soon after. . .

If there were a study exploring the pornography preference of people in each country, we could finally see what this world is coming to.

--- BBBS/Li6 v4.10 Toy-6
* Origin: The Rusty MailBox - Penticton, BC Canada (1:153/757)

Drill Sergeant: I didnÆt see you at the camouflage drill today Soldier:
Sir! Thank You, Sir!

If I EVER called my Sgt "sir" I got a SERIOUS ass chewing. Only Officers are called sir. Non-coms are addressed by their rank, because THEY work for a living. :)

Don't well-trained soldiers call EVERYBODY Sir & Ma'am?

I've noticed they use the terms in civilian life quite readily.

People call me sir & I look around & ask, "Do you see a fleeping horse or suit of armour? I'm just a working joe. . ."

--- BBBS/Li6 v4.10 Toy-6
* Origin: The Rusty MailBox - Penticton, BC Canada (1:153/757)

George,

I give up, what is the sexirest thing in Playboy magazine. I'd answer,
it depends on which issue it is. . . I prefered Hustler over Playboy
back in my teens. Outgrew them all soon after. . .

The alcoholic beverage ads, with all their subliminal deals to sexually arouse you.

I think both Hugh Hefner (Playboy) and Larry Flynt (Hustler) are dead
and gone now.

Daryl

... WARNING!! I'm naked under these clothes!!
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I think both Hugh Hefner (Playboy) and Larry Flynt (Hustler) are dead
and gone now.

That is correct. From what I have heard, Hefner's sons inherited the
magazine and sort of destroyed it.


* SLMR 2.1a * Float on a river, forever and ever, Emily...Emily...
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Mike,

That is correct. From what I have heard, Hefner's sons inherited the magazine and sort of destroyed it.

There was once a pinball machine, with the Playboy logos. I played with
it (let me rephrase that <G>), among with other pinball games in the
college game room 40 years ago.

Daryl

... Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
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George,

I give up, what is the sexirest thing in Playboy magazine. I'd answer,
it depends on which issue it is. . . I prefered Hustler over Playboy
back in my teens. Outgrew them all soon after. . .

The alcoholic beverage ads, with all their subliminal deals to sexually arouse you.

Yup, obscenity is defined by that which is intended to arouse but has no redeeming artistic value - those ads certainly qualify, but tasteful images of women the way God made them are not. . .

I think both Hugh Hefner (Playboy) and Larry Flynt (Hustler) are dead
and gone now.

Yup. . . Hugh quite recently. . .

You've heard of the adult magazines for clergymen? Prayboy

--- BBBS/Li6 v4.10 Toy-6
* Origin: The Rusty MailBox - Penticton, BC Canada (1:153/757)

George,

Yup, obscenity is defined by that which is intended to arouse but has
no redeeming artistic value - those ads certainly qualify, but
tasteful images of women the way God made them are not. . .

All of us are beautifully and wonderfully made.

I'm reminded of the joke where the scene is in The Garden Of Eden. The
Lord takes Adam aside, and tells him that "I've given you all of this stuff
for your enjoyment. What else can I do for you??".

Adam thinks a minute, and says "Lord, I'd like to have myself a helpmeet,
to keep me company, to make the bed, keep the place clean, cook, etc.".

The Lord said "Adam, that's a tall order...it'll cost you an arm and a leg".

Adam said "Lord, I can't afford that. How much can I get for one rib??". <G>

I think both Hugh Hefner (Playboy) and Larry Flynt (Hustler) are dead
and gone now.

Yup. . . Hugh quite recently. . .

And that's the naked truth.

You've heard of the adult magazines for clergymen? Prayboy

No wonder there's so much sexual sin in the church...and they try to cover
it up. Yet, The Lord has seen it all...David's little affair with Bathsheba, while tragic...was nothing compared to what is going on now.

Daryl

... Junior!! Quit Playing With Your Floppy!!
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You've heard of the adult magazines for clergymen? Prayboy

No wonder there's so much sexual sin in the church...and they try to cover
it up. Yet, The Lord has seen it all...David's little affair with Bathsheba, while tragic...was nothing compared to what is going on now.

Yup. . but all is known & justice will be dealt, as appropriate to their level of repentance & restitutionary mending of the damages done, both to the victims 7 to God's reputation which they blaspheme both by doing these sins & again by covering it up & allowing it to continue -- too bad, this latest pope (Jorge) was supposed to go crazy after it & shut it all down)

I mean, I know these priest were themselves victims of child molestation, but the fact that not every victim becomes a victimizer is proof positive, they didn't HAVE to continue the pattern.

My dad worked in a prison for sex offenders & he was blunt, but fair. with them.

One guy comes up to my dad & says, "Jesus forgave me for traping those kids & I'm going to Heaven."

Mt dad sternly addressed him, "you don't get to say that yet; you live the rest of your life without re-offending, then on your death bed, you can realize that you were forgiven; if you're not changed for the better, how can you claim to have been forgiven?

My dad kept the focus on what mattered: rehabilitation of an offender into a law-abiding citizen, since the law said he had to be released after a certain amount of time, even if he's a risk to re-offend (as so many are)

Speaking of on one's deathbed;

There was an old man who lived by a forest. As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting... He said, "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the forest. It's such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they'll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair."

"What I want you to do..." the man continued. "Is, every time a tree is cut down or dies, plant a new one in my memory. Tell your descendants to do the same. It shall be our family's duty to keep this forest strong."

So they did.

Each time the forest lost a tree, the children replanted one, and so did their children, and their children after them.

And for centuries, the forest remained as lush and pretty as it once was, all because of one man and his re-seeding heir-line.

--- BBBS/Li6 v4.10 Toy-6
* Origin: The Rusty MailBox - Penticton, BC Canada (1:153/757)

George,

And for centuries, the forest remained as lush and pretty as it once
was, all because of one man and his re-seeding heir-line.

That's because when a whole bunch of people cut the trees down for doing deforestation, it was a massive crew cut...and things got rather hairy. <G>

Daryl

... Bad Day: Your Income Tax Refund Check Bounces.
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