Reader's Digest Joke of the Day

"I have learned that only two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy. First, let her think she's having her way. Second, let her have it."
--Lyndon B. Johnson, The New York Times
RD Issue: July 1970

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Jay,

"I have learned that only two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy. First, let her think she's having her way. Second, let her have it." --Lyndon B. Johnson, The New York Times
RD Issue: July 1970

If the husband doesn't do that...then, it'll be like the meme, where the
wife is glaring at her husband out of the bedroom window. He's now standing
out in the backyard in his pajamas/night clothes, with a pillow under his
arm. He is standing in front of a desk, that has various office items on
it (computer, printer, telephone, etc.) on it...and the desk is in front
of a doghouse.

In a swivel chair, is a dog with spectacles on, and he says "Good evening, sir!! Will you be our guest for one night only?? Or, will this be your usual extended stay??". <G>

Can you say "no pressure"?? <G>

Daryl

... Then the manure hit the rotary air displacement unit.
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Reader's Digest Joke of the Day
"I have learned that only two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy. First, let her think she's having her way. Second, let her have it."
--Lyndon B. Johnson, The New York Times

Yup, sounds like a man who was happily married, yup. . .

LBJ was okay, I guess, but Nixon was actually a decent enough guy, notwithstanding that really bad 'indiscretion' at the Watergate Hotel, of course! -- he promised to exit Viet Nam, returning the US servicemen home, & he DID!

He might've done other things, good &/or bad, but I'm not to aware of them, being up here in Canada.

Just remember, my American brethren, Canada is bigger AND we're on top. If North America is a prison, that makes you our "she-dog" [I could've validly used the proper term, but because I don't have to, I choose not to!]

Happy 2023 to all of you! With much wealth, health, & a surfeit of happiness with the romantic partner(s) of your choice!

WHOOOOOO!!!!!! 2023!!! Time for a fleeping beer here at Cyberpope Central!


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George,

Yup, sounds like a man who was happily married, yup. . .

Here comes the groom, going to his doom...he's getting buried...er,
married. <G>

LBJ was okay, I guess, but Nixon was actually a decent enough guy, notwithstanding that really bad 'indiscretion' at the Watergate Hotel,
of course! -- he promised to exit Viet Nam, returning the US
servicemen home, & he DID!

I want to make this perfectly clear...I am not a crook. <G>

Just remember, my American brethren, Canada is bigger AND we're on top.
If North America is a prison, that makes you our "she-dog" [I
could've validly used the proper term, but because I don't have to, I choose not to!]

There is a family in Maumelle, Arkansas, that has the husband and wife,
but they have no kids. Instead, they have 5 dachshunds...4 males...Gunnar, Baxter, Floki, and Thor...and 1 female...Torvi Lu. All have been fixed, and
all love doing "the humpfest". In fact, Torvi has become the Queen B (for
the she dog word <G>), as she is doing it to her brothers!! I guess that
means she is the boss. <G>

Happy 2023 to all of you! With much wealth, health, & a surfeit of happiness with the romantic partner(s) of your choice!

I guess I should give the computer a kiss, as I spend so much time with it...and both are in bedrooms, but I think I'm the one getting screwed. :P

WHOOOOOO!!!!!! 2023!!! Time for a fleeping beer here at Cyberpope Central!

2022 was a year full of poo...so 2023 is the time to go pee. <G>

Daryl

... If you have a rotary phone, please press 1 now.
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2022 was a year full of poo...so 2023 is the time to go pee. <G>

Q: Why do women pee & fart after they poop? A: Wash & blowdry. . .




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George,

2022 was a year full of poo...so 2023 is the time to go pee. <G>

Q: Why do women pee & fart after they poop? A: Wash & blowdry. . .

<BLEAH!> :P

But, you reminded me of the story of the guy who didn't follow the
directions of the airline stewardess on a flight. The men's lavatory
was occupied, and this guy needed to relive himself big time. The
stewardess said "you can use the ladies room, but do NOT touch any
of the buttons".

Well, he's in there doing his business, and he sees the buttons.
As curiosity killed the cat, it about did the same to him, as he
ended up blacking out, and waking up in the hospital.

He asked the nurse what was going on, and she scolded him for
not following the directions of the stewardess...but she wanted
to confirm with him what happened (apparently, she had been on
this same airline).

He said "I went in there to do my business, and saw the 4 buttons.
Yet, I was curious, so I went through them one by one"..and he noted
what each one was.

WW - Warm Water -- to wash the genitals and buttocks.
WA - Warm Air -- to dry the previously mentioned areas.
PP - Power Puff -- for a feeling of freshness.

Yet, he blacked out after TR -- and didn't know what happened.

The nurse said "That one was Tampon Remover. Your penis is under
your pillow". :P

Let that be a lesson to you males you don't want to follow the
directions given to you by a woman. <G>

Daryl

... Deja Poo Poo: When you're prepping for a colonoscopy.
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Well, he's in there doing his business, and he sees the buttons.
As curiosity killed the cat, it about did the same to him, as he
ended up blacking out, and waking up in the hospital.

Or, in this case, curiosity killed the /rooster/, eh?

Did you know that curious people live longer? That's because curious people are lifelong learners.

Learners are also known as pupils.

And pupils dilate.


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George,

Or, in this case, curiosity killed the /rooster/, eh?

He's no longer the cock of the walk. :P

Did you know that curious people live longer? That's because curious people are lifelong learners.

Learners are also known as pupils.

And pupils dilate.

I see where you're going with this thread. <G>

On a serious note, though, I saw a story where a brand of eye drops
is causing adverse reactions, including blindness.

https://www.foxnews.com/health/cdc-says-eye-drop-brand-may-be-connected- drug-resistant-bacterial-infections

(above URL all on one line).

The bacterium with the "preservative-free EzriCare Artificial Tears"
is apparently resistant to most antibiotics.

I use Systane at least once a day, if not more...than it's a few
minutes after I put them in before the burning quits, and the vision stabilizes. If it's too bad, it's time to pause with the computer
work (if possible), and go lie down (I think I just jinxed myself) <G>.

If that wasn't bad enough, it's too dangerous to drive ever again.

My area is still under an Ice Storm Warning through at least midday
Thursday. Thank The Lord, so far, I still have power and internet...
so, as long as I have that, I'm good.

I'm working on the LAST of my food supply (chicken nuggets), and I
should have enough to last me through Thursday...then, with my new
disability payment on Friday, I can order more food. However, with
the icy roads, delivery may be an issue. I saw where the area
DoorDash delivery service had been suspended, due to icy roads.

We have a final round of freezing rain tonight and Thursday, before
it turns to rain, and finally ends. Then, by next Tuesday,
thunderstorms are in the forecast (too early to know if severe storms
will be an issue, but our spring tornado season is coming up fast).

So, I may end up fasting for a day or two...at least I can take my
blood pressure medication without food. If power does go out, the BBS
is down, but I can take my blood pressure medication, "drain the
radiator" <G>, and go back to sleep.

I think the groundhog is drunk...although I saw an Editorial Cartoon
this morning, showing Gobbler's Knob in Punxatawney, Pennsylvania...
with Punxatawney Phil (the groundhog) being held up by his handlers)...
and one of them says "There's more classified documents here" (in a
reference to all the documents found at President Joe Biden's homes.

Daryl

... "Either this man is dead, or my watch is stopped." -Groucho
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George,

Or, in this case, curiosity killed the /rooster/, eh?

He's no longer the cock of the walk. :P

I allus wondered about them Brits & their cockaleeky soup. . .

Who has incontinence dribblings in a bowl for lunch? (presumably reheated?)

Did you know that curious people live longer? That's because curious
people are lifelong learners.
Learners are also known as pupils.
And pupils dilate.

I see where you're going with this thread. <G>

Darn; I was hoping you'd get it going as a pun thread. . .

Maybe Fabric workers never dye. . . ?

On a serious note, though, I saw a story where a brand of eye drops
is causing adverse reactions, including blindness. https://www.foxnews.com/health/cdc-says-eye-drop-brand-may-be-connected- drug-resistant-bacterial-infections
(above URL all on one line).
The bacterium with the "preservative-free EzriCare Artificial Tears"
is apparently resistant to most antibiotics.

These nutty drug ads on TV!

I'm listening to the litany of potential adverse effects & thinking, "Jeeze, before that drug, I just had a lousy cough, but with it, I might get TB(White Plague), AIDS, Cancer, &/or Diabetes!!

Is it a law with you guys, art least in NYC, Chicago, & Detroit - the main channels I watch are from there, so I can get my Prime Time programming in early for an early bedtime! Perfectly fine until election seasons/years. . .

& these dang-blasted drug ads!

I knew about those eye drops - at least I knew that Visine is the worst thing to do to your eyes besides hammering in a nail! Natural Tears is the way to go, or just cup some warm distilled water in your hands & open your eyes once they're covered.

Here's the Mayo Clinic's recommendations:

https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/dry-eyes/expert- answers/artificial-tears/faq-20058422

(one line)

I use Systane at least once a day, if not more...than it's a few
minutes after I put them in before the burning quits, and the vision stabilizes.

I would think burning in the eyes would be plenty enough reason not to use the item/brand. . . :P

If it's too bad, it's time to pause with the computer

work (if possible), and go lie down (I think I just jinxed myself) <G>.
If that wasn't bad enough, it's too dangerous to drive ever again.
My area is still under an Ice Storm Warning through at least midday
Thursday. Thank The Lord, so far, I still have power and internet...
so, as long as I have that, I'm good.

there you go -- you can't be tempted to take a chance to drive out in that {Congress}. . .

I'm working on the LAST of my food supply (chicken nuggets), and I
should have enough to last me through Thursday...then, with my new
disability payment on Friday,

I just had chicken nuggets on Sunday. . . Had a stare-down with the dog over whose they were. . .

I can order more food. However, with

the icy roads, delivery may be an issue. I saw where the area
DoorDash delivery service had been suspended, due to icy roads.

Fair enough, eh?

We have a final round of freezing rain tonight and Thursday, before
it turns to rain, and finally ends.

Currently I'm snowed in for an unknown period of time -- oh well, I'll be thankful I'm in dry warm quarters & that I have a family member able to head over next door to the strip mall for food/etc as needed, & that I have enough in the bank (&.or coming into same) to cover costs/needs.

The other goofy over done set of ads on USA TV is the Medicare Part C &/or D Benefits you have to call a number to get -- I'm presuming this was a deal Obama made with the Republicans to get the ACA passed, to force citizens to get their own prepaid Medicare via an insurance corporation.

Most are simply boring & overdone on the same theme/script, but one with a whining old lady is more annoying than the rest -- I say to her, "If you don't want it, don't get it but PLEEEASE shut the heck up!"

Do I have this right?
Parts A & B are the basic emergency care coverage & possible HMO for GP visits? C: Premiums assistance
D: drug coverage

It's all alien to me -- Canadians have all 4 sections by birthright & Constitutional command. (So no government can eradicate them on a whim (or to cater to the bribes they were paid by Big Pharma--we don't really have this in Canada, as every drug must be produced as a generic within a tear of producing the brand name. So our government health insurance doesn't have to spend exorbitant amounts on ongoing meds (my daily cocktails only cost the government
$126/month including dispensing & delivering them in blister packs)

Name brands would multiply that by at least 6X+!

Much more civilized this way. . . The richer you are, the less drug coverage you get & the more you pay, in some provinces, for your insurance (I pay $0, others pay up to $200/family for full unlimited coverage(except for cosmetic stuff, of course) & maybe a $300 deductible on drugs then up to 95% of drug costs. I'm on extended coverage for disability, dsp they pay for my new power wheelchairs up to every 5 years, as needed, & $500/year dental coverage & some glasses/etc. coverage. . .

You guys got to stand up for yourselves against the corporations and YOUR government they control. . .

So, I may end up fasting for a day or two...at least I can take my
blood pressure medication without food. If power does go out, the BBS
is down, but I can take my blood pressure medication, "drain the
radiator" <G>, and go back to sleep.

I only eat one meal a day 3 days a week, to trey to bring my weight down to a level that's not trying to kill me. . .

cont'd next reply. . .

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cont'd. . .

I think the groundhog is drunk...although I saw an Editorial Cartoon
this morning, showing Gobbler's Knob in c, Pennsylvania...
with Punxatawney Phil (the groundhog) being held up by his handlers)...
and one of them says "There's more classified documents here" (in a
reference to all the documents found at President Joe Biden's homes.

Time to institute Punxatawney Sausage Day for February 3rd each year!

Shred the SOB, to be sure no classified documents sare inside him, then saute & serve with a huge mounds of mashed potatoes & gravy! (Married men & children must have a serving of vegetables on the side.)

ok, back to the FUNNY. . .

Tears, I seem to recall as a topic?

I walked into the kitchen and saw my wife chopping onions which made me cry; Onions was a good dog.

Q: How do you make Lady Gaga cry?
A: Poker Face

Q: Why did the cookie cry?
A: His parents were a wafer so long

Do you remember when you were a kid and whenever you cried, your parents would say, ôIÆll give you a reason to cry!?" I always thought they were going to hit me...
...not that they were going to destroy the housing market 20 years later.






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Hello George Pope!

I only eat one meal a day 3 days a week, to trey to bring
my weight down to a level that's not trying to kill me. .
.

Add up the calories that you consume for 7 days. Divide that
by 7, and stick to that calorie consumption for each day.

Along the way, replace the source of empty fastfood or packaged
food calories with better choices.

And that's no joke.

But here's one..

What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.
--
../|ug

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Hello Daryl!

** On Wednesday 01.02.23 - 11:01, Daryl Stout wrote to George Pope:

I use Systane at least once a day, if not more...than
it's a few minutes after I put them in before the
burning quits, and the vision stabilizes. If it's too
bad, it's time to pause with the computer work (if
possible), and go lie down (I think I just jinxed
myself) <G>.

The Systane could be aggravating the situation in the long run.
Ever just try simply splashing the eyes with warm water and/or
applying a warm-water compress for a few minutes? You may be
surprised how effective that simple solution is.

What did the left eye mutter to the right one? It said,
"Between you and me, something smells."

--
../|ug

--- OpenXP 5.0.57
* Origin: (1:396/45.29)

August,

What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.

Let's dance the macaroni. <G>

And, if on a farm, you get squirted by milk from the cows udder, and
it gets on your nose, it's pastuerize (past your eyes) -- and my late
father did that to me many years ago on a farm in Tennessee.

Daryl

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August,

The Systane could be aggravating the situation in the long run.
Ever just try simply splashing the eyes with warm water and/or
applying a warm-water compress for a few minutes? You may be
surprised how effective that simple solution is.

I've never had a problem with the Systane, and my eye doctor
recommended it. I'm to see him again (pun intended) in July.

What did the left eye mutter to the right one? It said,
"Between you and me, something smells."

We had to be sure that each one nose that. <G>

Daryl

... Put it on my Blackberry? I don't even have a pomegranate!
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Add up the calories that you consume for 7 days. Divide that
by 7, and stick to that calorie consumption for each day.
Along the way, replace the source of empty fastfood or packaged
food calories with better choices.

Yup, it's what I'm doing, but without exercise or meaningful amounts of physical activity(being half paralyzed on my left side), I've had to increase my burn, by reducing my intake even further, by, as I had noted, reducing further my calories for 3 days a week by following the Intermittent Fasting model.

& really killing off the whites (rice, flour, sugar, bread) in my diet.

If I do have fast food junk, I am extremely particular in my choices, choosing the healthier(not "healthy" of course) options & limiting intake thereof, & increasing water intake on those days.

BTW, well done, on the ObJok in your response. . .

Here's mine:

I'm trying to eat more kale because it's healthy. But when I see it on my plate, I ask myself...
Do the ends really justify the greens?

Q: How does the Easter Bunny stay healthy? A: Eggs-ercise, specifically hare-obics

Q: Why do some people only feel healthy on Saturdays and Sundays, and so sickly for all the other days ?
A: Maybe, they just have a weekend immune system.

So I try to eat healthy
But every time I try, a chocolate bar looks at me and snickers




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